“Moral kidnapping” – a term said to be the result of a literal translation from a Chinese expression – summarizes a peculiarity in human interactions. It involves hijacking moral values to threaten, force, or pressure others into complying with one’s requests through guilt-tripping. Such acts may not necessarily be limited to parental, superior, or friendly relationships and are often deployed to manipulate others in public spaces or group settings.

We might unknowingly commit moral kidnapping against others. Conversely, we could also fall victim to it. How does that happen?

Moral kidnapping is the act of imposing high or even impossible moral standards, or labeling others in a way that coerces, attacks, or manipulates their behavior.

It can be difficult for the average person to turn down expectations based on saintly standards. Some people demand that others conform to unrealistic norms. And when they do comply, the bar is raised even higher, intensifying the pressure.

Counselors, in particular, often find themselves in the line of fire more than those in other professions.

Picture this: It’s past midnight, and my phone rings at home. A familiar voice tells me he needs to go to the hospital because a severe stomachache is killing him. When I suggest he ask his son at home to take him, he responds, “He’s asleep. I’d rather let him rest since he has to work in the morning.” I nearly fall out of bed as I reply, “What? Don’t I need rest too? I also have work in the morning!”

I ask myself whether I am expected to walk around with the word “LOVE” painted all over my body as a counselor, because turning him down would make me drown in self-imposed guilt. I imagine that he isn’t seeking help from anyone else because I wear the hat of a counselor, and he places all his trust in me. Then I hear him reject my suggestion to call an ambulance. “I would have to pay for that,” he shoots back.

Let’s sidestep the rights and wrongs of this midnight call and view it this way: he may not even be aware of what he is doing. He might genuinely believe I am obligated to help, given that I am a reliable counselor and guide. But what should I do? Would granting his request set a precedent that makes it harder to refuse him in the future?

He is taking advantage of me, even if subconsciously. Isn’t this a clear-cut case of moral kidnapping?

To be honest, I have been guilty of similar acts not too long ago. I recall an episode involving a Christian sister, a kind soul who had been running a counseling class out of love. After some time, she confided in me that she was exhausted from a lack of sleep. I protested, “How can you stop when so many people are eager to learn counseling skills? This class must continue! Don’t stop, even if you have to give up other commitments.”

I was immature then, convinced that I was absolutely right. I believed that the needs of others should always come first. It wasn’t until later that I realized my mistake.

She had every right to decide for herself. She was the best person to determine her priorities, understand her strengths, manage her time, and choose which commitments to take on. I later learned that she was unwell. Even now, I tear up when I think about it. I feel ashamed for being so unreasonable. How could I impose my expectations on her without considering her perspective? Yes, I was guilty of moral kidnapping.

I share this painful memory to highlight how frequently we engage in moral kidnapping, pushing others into tight corners through unjustified pressure. Instead of oversimplifying things, we should strive to understand their predicament.

Moral kidnapping can take various forms, such as:

• Saying, “Look, you’re wealthy! How can you donate less than $100,000 when you live in such a big bungalow?” without considering that the person may have other financial commitments.
• Using overbearing phrases like “I am sure,” “You must,” or “You should” without first understanding the other person’s circumstances.
• Issuing throwaway threats or coercing others into working for you.

This insidious practice isn’t limited to people we know; it can happen with strangers too. For example, offering your seat to the elderly is a virtue, but it becomes moral kidnapping if an elderly person demands a seat in a non-designated area and pressures someone into giving it up.

Imagine a commuter waking up exhausted, workers dozing off after a long shift and accusing them of being inconsiderate on public transport. That’s moral kidnapping. The same goes for public scolding of pregnant women, disabled passengers, or young people based solely on assumptions.

Other examples of misplaced self-righteousness include:

• Expecting to receive ‘souvenirs’ by taking free gifts from a friend’s store during a celebration instead of making a supportive purchase.
• Using the phrase “It’s for your own good” to override a spouse’s or child’s choices.
• Saying “I’ve done so much for you” to guilt-trip someone into fulfilling a demand.
• Coercing someone into making a promise based on their perceived ‘worth.’
• Demanding gifts by leveraging one’s position in the family or workplace.
• Making lofty moral judgments online without applying the same standards in one’s own life.

We frequently encounter such situations in daily life. It is worth asking: Did we intend to act this way? Or is someone trying to manipulate us into a difficult position? If we succumb to such pressure, we may find ourselves trapped in negative emotions or, worse, become victims of moral kidnapping. We must learn to distinguish moral kidnapping from genuine requests and protect ourselves from such tactics. Only then can we maintain healthy and balanced relationships with those around us.

For Discussion:

1. Explain the concept of moral kidnapping. Have you ever employed or been subjected to such strategies, whether intentionally or unintentionally?
2. If someone constantly reminds you of how much they have given, making you feel obligated to return the favor, would you consider that moral kidnapping?
3. Does moral kidnapping occur only between people who know each other, or does it also happen among strangers? Share some examples.